You know how in life you meet people, and some of them drift away for one reason or another? Usually it's not because of anything bad, but sometimes for sure it sucks no matter what?
I guess I'm not really talking about one of those.
At least, I hope I'm not...
See, sometimes one of those people becomes your very favorite person ever.
Like, ever.
And no matter how thorough or close your bonds have been with anyone before in your life, that person just tops them all. They fascinate you. They inspire and influence you in the subtlest and most profound of ways.
And it's not that any of the people before were or became any less special or important to you. It's not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's quite good.
See, I have a very favorite person ever.
Like, Ever.
I've known them for a little under a year now. Nobody before them ever appreciated me so completely; played along with me so... reciprocally; enjoyed me not in spite of my quirks, but because of them.
This is a person I didn't know I loved so much until they realized that we were in such different places in life that as things stand, there's no way we could be together and be safe. Sure, we would be incredibly happy, but we're impulsive. Unorganized. We didn't take very good care of ourselves.
And, more importantly, even though we were fantastic at taking care of each other, we didn't push each other upward.
And that's not a contradiction to what I said earlier. Without a doubt she inspired me, taught me.. but one, I don't know how mutual that was, and two, there are more important things than the gradual, steady influence two people who love each other might have on one another.
Life habits are everything. You can be patient; you can be dependable in a pinch; you can be of the kindest of characters, but without the ability to properly care for yourself, without the ability to firmly yet lovingly push your loved one to greater heights, not even the deepest of love can be enough.
Happiness in a relationship is not just enjoyment of the now. It's not the completeness you feel in the company of that special Person. This Happiness is being safe in the faith that you can continue to grow together without end. It's knowing that when you're down, you will be lifted, and that you are willing to be lifted. And vice versa.
If that makes sense.
So when I heard that she didn't know that she could trust me to be the husband and father she might need, it pierced me to the heart and I knew she was right.
I'll be honest. I don't know for sure if she made generalizations (namely, universalizing the weakness so that it applied to both of us) to make me feel better, but at the same time, she was right about herself, too. Pushing me was difficult. We simply weren't strong enough, ourselves, to effectively encourage one another to becoming our very best selves.
And it broke my heart.
And just to clarify, she hadn't broken my heart. I had. I immediately knew precisely what choices I'd made in life that left me ill-prepared for the moment she asked me what I was looking for in a girl; which left me careless and negligent in times where I could have been more than just that reliable friend--where I could have proven myself worthy of her trust.
Hindsight's 20/20, as they say.
But forward is the only direction we can go.
She and I haven't meaningfully spoken in about a month now.
I've missed her friendship like none other.
I made a choice the night she told me these things. Within a week I had landed two jobs. I've since quit the first, but I have what I feel to be legitimate reasons. I began reading my scriptures meaningfully again for the first time in a very long time. I decided that I will not be lazy by leaving dishes in the sink or just tossing my laundry into a pile in the corner of my room. I began going to the temple more regularly. I resolved to begin feeding myself. I began to attend institute. When I found myself plateauing again, I began running each day. I've had to take two sick days since, but hope to get started back up tomorrow.
I'm changing, little by little.. and it's wonderful. I love it.
As things are, I love her too much right now to completely give up on her, on hoping that at some point, maybe I'll have this miraculous third chance, when we've both sorted ourselves out.. But ironically, this can't be for her. This has to be for me and beyond. People are waiting on me. Depending on me. And for a very long time, I've been letting them down. I'm terribly, terribly sorry for that.
But I hope to become the man they--and I--need me to be.
I don't know how long that's going to take. And I ache to think that I may have lost my very favorite person ever to the stars..
I miss her love. Her compassion, her kindness, her dorkiness, her cleverness. I miss how she would have a way to surprise me with something about herself like all the time.
..deep down, I really hope she misses me..
In the end, it's pretty selfish, isn't it.
